I am blessed to
be gay. When you're gay (and especially
of an older generation of gays when relationships were not so easy and
accepted) you are more likely to be blessed in that you learn how to find
fulfillment in yourself rather than suffering the delusion that you need
another body to be complete.
At present I am celibate. I have taken no vows, but this is just how it
so happens to be. I am happy being
celibate. And I would be happy if a
relationship came along. But there are
few people who would be willing to live like I do. It's funny, too, that the more I live this
way, the more asexual and complete I feel.
[For a recent status on my relationship
situtation, please see my blog entry for December 10, 2009, under the heading,
"Do you love anybody?" . And
for more thoughts on relationships, see the essay in this blog, "Love and
Possession, Sex and Money"]
Whenever I feel lonely, I simply get
away from distractions and sit with that feeling. Then I realize that loneliness is simply a
mind thing that I can let go as easily as letting air go from the lungs.
"All the lonely people. Where do they all come from?" We have created a society of loneliness. We think that surrounding ourselves with
people and distractions like TV and constant music and chatter will drive away our loneliness. But it only makes it worse. Some of the most lonely people I've witnessed
have been couples in relationships.
Then the you see hundreds and thousands of people walking in city
streets and cloistered inside cars and suburban houses, all oozing overwhelming
loneliness.
When you are
not whole in yourself and seek fulfillment in other people, you are doomed to
loneliness. Ironically, when you find
fulfillment in yourself, then you are fulfilled being around others. Then you know love and are no longer a
solitary island. When I am able to live
totally comfortably with myself by myself, then I am no longer anti-social. Then I freely love others. When I am familiar with myself, then I am
familiar with everybody. Familiar. Family are.
In my moments of meditation in the
canyon the questions came to me, "How long do you have to be with somebody
before it's considered a relationship?"
And, "How long do you have to be by yourself before you are
considered alone?"
I again realized that everything is
impermanent and time is relative. You
can never, ever, ever be in a permanent relationship. Being with somebody for 3 minutes is no
different than being with somebody for 50 years, when you see the big picture. And being by myself for 3 minutes is no
different than being by myself for 50 years.
When you realize this, loneliness ceases. And you realize that you are by yourself
exactly at the right time and you are with people exactly at the right time. When you give up control and worry, then
everything and everybody comes exactly when and where you need it. Everything.
When you realize this you realize that your brother and sister and
mother are everywhere you go in the world.
At first you see in the mirror darkly, then face to face. You see that your Spouse, your mirror image,
is within you, sealed in Holy Matrimony, in the Temple of your body, for time
and eternity, not in any temple made with hands. Only the deluded think they can find a
permanent relationship outside themselves, that they can marry somebody else
for time and all eternity. Enter into
the Kingdom where there is no marriage or giving in marriage.
Once we take on this mind, we become
pure, and all things are pure. Then we
are no longer hung up about sex, and if and when sex comes, it is accompanied
by eternal love, as is everything else we do.
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