Listening
The key to receiving
messages effectively is listening. Listening is a combination of hearing what
another person says and psychological involvement with the person who is
talking. Listening requires more than hearing words. It requires a desire to
understand another human being, an attitude of respect and acceptance, and a
willingness to open one's mind to try and see things from another's point of
view.
Listening requires a
high level of concentration and energy. It demands that we set aside our own
thoughts and agendas, put ourselves in another's shoes and try to see the world
through that person's eyes. True listening requires that we suspend judgment,
evaluation, and approval in an attempt to understand another is frame of
reference, emotions, and attitudes. Listening to understand is, indeed, a
difficult task!
Often, people worry
that if they listen attentively and patiently to a person who is saying
something they disagree with, they are inadvertently sending a message of
agreement.
When we listen effectively
we gain information that is valuable to understanding the problem as the other
person sees it. We gain a greater understanding of the other person's
perception. After all, the truth is subjective and a matter of perception. When
we have a deeper understanding of another's perception, whether we agree with
it or not, we hold the key to understanding that person's motivation, attitude,
and behavior. We have a deeper understanding of the problem and the potential
paths for reaching agreement.
1. Requires
concentration and energy
2. Involves a
psychological connection with the speaker
3. Includes a desire
and willingness to try and see things from another's perspective
4. Requires that we
suspend judgment and evaluation
"Listening in
dialogue is listening more to meaning than to words . . .In true listening, we
reach behind the words, see through them, to find the person who is being
revealed. Listening is a search to find the treasure of the true person as
revealed verbally and nonverbally. There is the semantic problem, of course.
The words bear a different connotation for you than they do for me.
Consequently, I can never tell you what you said, but only what I heard. I will
have to rephrase what you have said, and check it out with you to make sure
that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart intact and
without distortion."
Learning to be an
effective listener is a difficult task for many people. However, the specific
skills of effective listening behavior can be learned. It is our ultimate goal
to integrate these skills into a sensitive and unified way of listening.
Key
Listening Skills:
Nonverbal:
Giving full physical attention to the speaker;
Being aware of the speaker's nonverbal
messages;
Verbal:
Paying attention to the words and feelings
that are being expressed;
Using reflective listening tools such as
paraphrasing, reflecting, summarizing, and questioning to increase understanding of the message and
help the speaker tell his story.
Giving Full
Physical Attention To The Speaker
Attending is the art
and skill of giving full, physical attention to another person. In his book,
People Skills, Robert Bolton, Ph.D., refers to it as "listening with the
whole body".
Effective attending is
a careful balance of alertness and relaxation that includes appropriate body
movement, eye contact, and "posture of involvement". Fully attending
says to the speaker, "What you are saying is very important. I am totally
present and intent on understanding you". We create a posture of
involvement by:
Leaning gently
towards the speaker;
Facing the other person squarely;
Maintaining an open posture with arms and
legs uncrossed;
Maintaining an appropriate distance between
us and the speaker;
Moving our bodies in response to the speaker,
i.e., appropriate head nodding, facial expressions.
"To listen is to
move. To listen is to be moved by the talker - physically and psychologically .
. . The non-moving, unblinking person can reliably be estimated to be a
non-listener . . . When other visible moving has ceased and the eyeblink rate
has fallen to less than once in six seconds, listening, for practical purposes,
has stopped."
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